Cabin Fever

A week and a half ago, I missed a step going down stairs while carrying something that needed to be put in the basement. The result? A broken foot. Now I am stuck not being able to move around much because my foot needs to be elevated. I feel trapped.

August 21, 2013 I broke my fifth metatarsal walking down the back stairs. I wrote the quote above back in the beginning of September. I wound up being stuck with my foot elevated for a month, and was only able to start driving this past December 12th. By the time the Dr gave me the green light to drive, I was absolutly bonkers. My room had gotten so small because I couldn't go anywhere unless someone was willing to take me, and my ass had gotten so big because I wasn't going anywhere.

As a New Year's Resolution I am going to 1) take advantage of my new found freedom; and, 2) learn how to cook healthy. Look here for what I hope is going to be fun recipes, anecdotes from the outside world and a running commentary on my body image progress.

Goddess, grant me the strength of bravery, honesty and inspiration,  and the will of endurance now and forever. Please grant me the wisdom to go forth wisely and with love in my heart for myself and others. May I treasure these gifts today and always.

So Mote It Be.

How far we've come

Looking over the posts here, I see a clear pattern. Woe is me. Seriously? How about "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get to it!"

But I don't wear boots....

Guess I need to go out there and get myself a pair!

Not much has changed from the posts screaming for a hug. I have just relearned to cope again. My walls are in place, the drawbridge is up and the moat is full. Yet, somehow I am still feeling change. I no longer align myself with manufactured drama (mostly) and I am learning how to let go of caring about the little things (mostly). I feel like I have begun the uphill journey to the precipice of peace and life.

God, grant me the sernity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know this is the battle cry of AA but it extends to so much more of life. If they would allow, I ask humbly to borrow it.

To begin, accepting things I cannot change is not at all a stagnant statement. It just means that I cannot change it. For those who have an inexorable need to always help, this is huge. For me it is the key to breaking this case wide open. It is going to be the subject of many a meditation. It is a control issue that needs to be 'controlled'.

Accept the things I cannot change requires the patience to allow others the space to grow, act, move, motivate themselves to accept the things they cannot change and learn to deal and move on.

Deal and move on.

First day of the rest of my life

Interesting statement, first day of the rest of my life. Powerful statement. It's like a cosmic do over.

How many do I get before time is called? How many times do I get to restart before I have to stop and restore my energies? If it were a Facebook app, I would have my built in teams, my go to people to 'get more energy'.  After a week of tournament, I would have a clean slate.

If it were only that easy.

A binge on chocolate, a harty party meal, lazy, hazy dayz of summer and its a winter of working hard to fight the bulge. But then there's the winter with the best foody holidays, and your body going in to hibernation mode.

There is no quick fix, only change. Working, planning, patience, adapting to new foods, and new ways of living smarter is what experience has taught me. Starting here, starting now I am going to convert old habits to new, wiser, healthier ones.

Right after I finish this piece of cake, because tomorrow is another day.

Or is it?

2012 As another Year Begins

As another year begins, we are filled with hope, enthusiasm, and an abundant spirit. January 1 brings about magical change that wasn't available to us on December 31. It is a phenomenon representing the proverbial starting line - the start of a diet that is destined to be more successful because you have resolved that it be so. It is the start of healthy living at the gym, not smoking, spending more time with family and friends, get out of debt...Resolutions run the gambit all laden with high hopes that this is the time it is going to be, because you resolved that it be.

What if January 1 comes and goes before you've had the chance to shoot that starting pistol? Does the magic fade as the days pass? Will your diet still work if you start it on the 2nd, or even the 3rd?

The answer lies in you.

Where is your magic? Is it in the energy of the New Year? What if we could harness that energy, save it for a rainy day? Does this create an excuse or an opportunity?

It is January 5th and I haven't signed up for the gym, not a salad in sight. I find myself ready yet my glass of motivation is only half full. Optimistic but not energized I remain behind the personally designed barriers that continue to stand strong. They trap me in a comfort zone no bigger than a couch cushion.

My resolution as the New Year begins is not on the list most people have either on facebook or in their journal. My resolution is to meet those barriers head on.

I resolve to look for my magic within.

I will make it shine!

365 Days - A Reflection

To a child, one year is forever. As we get older and start marking time, one year could feel like a day - or an eternity. Today a year feels unreal. It is one year ago that my Mom began her journey to the other side. It has been a year of many changes, revelations, sadness and yes, even joy. If my Mother taught us anything, it is that life goes on and the moments you have with each other are to be celebrated. Yesterday my niece had her 6th birthday party. When we talked about the appropriateness of the party on that date given the significance of the weekend it was an easy answer - Mom wouldn't have had it any other way.

As this year passed, I was reminded how much I needed and relied upon my Mom, in moments that would have passed naturally with just a call to her. A few words on the occasional call and I would move on feeling stronger, wiser - with no real thought of the spark that got me there. I was okay again and that’s what mattered.

As this year passed I was also reminded how much my Mom relied upon and needed me, as the phone remained silent. It is a strange phenomenon to be ‘relieved’ of these kinds of responsibilities. For parents, it is bittersweet as their child becomes an adult. For the child that supports an aging parent it is guilt in feeling free, sadness in feeling loss. That child becomes herself a child again, if only for a short time, as the strength, power and support you receive from your parents is suddenly gone – never to return again. It is difficult as you are faced with the need to define your heart and soul and use that to carry on. No more fueling up at Mom’s, it all has to come from you and what she gave you. Were you listening? Were you there in the moments?

Many religions have their dogma regarding the afterlife, and I am not sure to which I subscribe, but today – today it is the one where she is looking down and smiling at her family (blood, or no) as we take some time to remember in the way she would have loved best, together.

Mom, I love you, I miss you. I hope I’ve made you proud. I hope that the love you felt as God welcomed you into his kingdom was a love you felt from us. As our heart aches for you, it is healed by you in the memories of your love and compassion. Peace be with you, as you rest eternal in love and light.

Does anyone still wear a hat?

I wear so many. I'm a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, friend, secretary, babysitter, nurse, psychologist, banker, leader, designer, blue collar, white collar, hard rock disco, Justin Bieber.....so many things to so many people it's as though I am redefining myself as I walk from room to room. It's exhausting, and I feel fractured. Everyone has a piece of me but cherished few have all of me, if there is such a thing as all of me that is.