- Drive Route 66
- Drive PCH
- Drive across country
- Become an Herbalist
- Start a coven
- Visit Italy
- Visit Stonehenge during a Solstice
- Get healthy
- Learn Yoga
- Learn to read Runes
- Understand Aromatherapy
- Put me first when appropriate
- Own a home
- Start a garden
- Start a Hudson County Pagan society
- Open a holistic center/store
- Get initiated
- Become financially solvent
- Learn Calligraphy
- Learn how to design and maintain a website
- De-Clutter
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Bucket List
As I approach 50, I've decided that it would be fun to start a bucket list, before I'm too old to carry any of it through! Here's my start:
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Alone in a crowd
Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? and if you do, is it safe for me to hear it?
Is it really so terrible to live in well intentioned deception if the consequence seems cautiously blissful? Is it so wrong to fool myself? AM I fooling myself? How do I figure out what is real and what isn't?
Do I feel unappreciated because I'm selfish, or am I really unappreciated? Is it right for me to be happy about future plans or have I set myself up for more hurt and failure?
How am I supposed to know what the right thing is if I've got nothing or no one to back me up? DO I have that and my insecurities aren't letting me accept that? Am I preparing myself for the inevitable or pushing a great thing away because that's just how my life seems to roll?
Has anyone thought that maybe all I need is a hug, some cooperation, and the understanding that even if I can do it on my own, that I no longer want to?
Is it really so terrible to live in well intentioned deception if the consequence seems cautiously blissful? Is it so wrong to fool myself? AM I fooling myself? How do I figure out what is real and what isn't?
Do I feel unappreciated because I'm selfish, or am I really unappreciated? Is it right for me to be happy about future plans or have I set myself up for more hurt and failure?
How am I supposed to know what the right thing is if I've got nothing or no one to back me up? DO I have that and my insecurities aren't letting me accept that? Am I preparing myself for the inevitable or pushing a great thing away because that's just how my life seems to roll?
Has anyone thought that maybe all I need is a hug, some cooperation, and the understanding that even if I can do it on my own, that I no longer want to?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Gotta Have Heart
Yesterday I started to feel badly again, another 'episode' as I have begun to call them. I tried valiantly to move on with my life, fulfill my obligations, but alas, that was not meant to be. After arriving at my second job, the 'episode' started getting worse. By the insistence of my friends at the second job, I drove myself to the local Emergency Room. I then stayed for tests that led to the recommendation that I stay for a 24 hour cardiac observation.
So there I sat (layed, actually) all by myself waiting to see what, if anything, is going to make me feel better.
My niece offered to come out to be with me, but at that point I was waiting for a room upstairs, so with nothing more for her to do but sit and stare at me (at least at that point) I told her not to worry and that I would call her in the morning. Unfortunately, this is the part where my phone battery dies. No lie, the drama just keeps coming.
Bottom line, all symptoms point to heart trouble, no test can prove it. So, with no test able to prove heart trouble, we move on to number two on the list that fit the symptoms: Panic/Anxiety attacks.
Solution: Get healthy, make lifestyle changes, eat more fruits and vegetables, diminish stress.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
So there I sat (layed, actually) all by myself waiting to see what, if anything, is going to make me feel better.
My niece offered to come out to be with me, but at that point I was waiting for a room upstairs, so with nothing more for her to do but sit and stare at me (at least at that point) I told her not to worry and that I would call her in the morning. Unfortunately, this is the part where my phone battery dies. No lie, the drama just keeps coming.
Bottom line, all symptoms point to heart trouble, no test can prove it. So, with no test able to prove heart trouble, we move on to number two on the list that fit the symptoms: Panic/Anxiety attacks.
Solution: Get healthy, make lifestyle changes, eat more fruits and vegetables, diminish stress.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2011 - Off to a rocky start
As the first week of 2011 comes to a close, I find myself in not such a good way. I spent all but 2 days home sick with no root cause to my troubles. I have my suspicions: 1) stress, 2) grief, 3) bronchitis, 4) ulcer, 5) heart, 6) anemia, 7) hiatal hernia, 8) weight, 9) approaching menopause, 10) sedentary lifestyle, 11) bad diet, 12) financial stress....
I need to make some serious changes, and I need to make them now. The problem: changes cost money, I have less than the amount of money I need to meet basic monthly budget needs. By not making these changes that I can't afford financially, my budget is getting worse because of medical charges that need to be met. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be broken and I need to figure out how very quickly.
It's always been in my nature to take care of everything and everyone. Not a bad quality to have if only I remembered to include myself in that. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that there is a good place to start. But how, with so much crap having been piled on, where do I start to climb my way out?
Realign my priorities
It doesn't cost anything, and it will give me a starting point. To do this, I can't make rash 'public opinion' decisions. Popular rhetoric is that I should be number one on the priority list. I have two kids that I am supporting and trying to raise to become responsible, generous, happy adults. To do that, I need to make some sacrifices. What sacrifices am I willing to make? This internal discussion needs to go hand in hand with my priorities, and I have to reconcile with what is acceptable to ME, and not public opinion, as to how to create this codependent hierarchy.
Next week: The List
I need to make some serious changes, and I need to make them now. The problem: changes cost money, I have less than the amount of money I need to meet basic monthly budget needs. By not making these changes that I can't afford financially, my budget is getting worse because of medical charges that need to be met. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be broken and I need to figure out how very quickly.
It's always been in my nature to take care of everything and everyone. Not a bad quality to have if only I remembered to include myself in that. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that there is a good place to start. But how, with so much crap having been piled on, where do I start to climb my way out?
Realign my priorities
It doesn't cost anything, and it will give me a starting point. To do this, I can't make rash 'public opinion' decisions. Popular rhetoric is that I should be number one on the priority list. I have two kids that I am supporting and trying to raise to become responsible, generous, happy adults. To do that, I need to make some sacrifices. What sacrifices am I willing to make? This internal discussion needs to go hand in hand with my priorities, and I have to reconcile with what is acceptable to ME, and not public opinion, as to how to create this codependent hierarchy.
Next week: The List
Monday, December 20, 2010
Solstice 2010
On this Full Moon Solstice Night,
May Love shine down from its Blessed Light.
When shadow shields its light from thee,
Take troubles, stress and debt from me.
When shadow wanes, and light shines anew,
as the days grow long, and monies due,
Help me gain the sense of mind
To fill the need and meet the grind
In the new light from above
Help me do what's right for those I love.
May Love shine down from its Blessed Light.
When shadow shields its light from thee,
Take troubles, stress and debt from me.
When shadow wanes, and light shines anew,
as the days grow long, and monies due,
Help me gain the sense of mind
To fill the need and meet the grind
In the new light from above
Help me do what's right for those I love.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
My Mom
Thank you, everyone for your heartfelt words and condolences. I have felt the virtual hug become warmer and stronger as I read each of them and am very grateful. My mom really was a special woman who touched and was remembered by a lot of people. I hope that if I've learned anything from her, its to free my soul to love everyone for what's inside, one of her many traits, one for which I'm most proud. I joke that she was probably knew some of our friends better than we did! For her there were no exceptions, no exclusions, it was only her fierce protection of us (not even her, but US) that could put you on her bad side.
She was very generous and so loved her family...and her extended family. She is known as Grandma B by many.
As much as she was diehard Yankee fan, no really, a DIEHARD. Yankee. Fan. she was far more dedicated to us and the people around each of us. She was very supportive of our endeavors, be it theatre, sports, school, the military, crazy jobs, anything we wanted she would get behind and support because it was something we wanted to do, or try regardless if she thought that we were crazy or on the right track.
Speaking of crazy, she always was finding a new crazy little toy or gadget to share with the kids (big and small!) the running joke became, "What the heck is that? Where did you get it? Let me guess, Grandma B!"
It is very fitting that her talent was knitting and crocheting. She made a bizzilion scarves, hats, sweaters and blankets, all designed to wrap you up and keep you warm - her version of a virtual hug. She and my dad could probably have lived comfortably off the profits of the sale of these items, but she often gave them away finding delight in how much people loved and appreciated the gift.
Great Grandma, Grandma, Mom, the Better Half, "Why bother reading the Jersey, call Grandma, LOL"; "How many people could she possibly stop to talk to, she should run for Mayor!"; "Want to get the most from your taxes? Go see Grandma, she won't miss a dime"; "Don't worry, call Grandma and Grandpa, they'll take you out there and wait for you to take you home"; "Where's Grandpa, outside in the car waiting for you?"/ "Where's Grandma, inside shopping again?" "I hope Grandma didn't hear that, she'll wash my mouth out with soap!"; "Stop worrying, next time just ask us and we'll help you, that's what we are here for"
You were here for that and so much more...
Mom, we'll be (mostly) okay, we're taking care of Daddy; you can rest for now (at least until one of us needs a guardian angel, which with this crew is sure to come soon!)
She was very generous and so loved her family...and her extended family. She is known as Grandma B by many.
As much as she was diehard Yankee fan, no really, a DIEHARD. Yankee. Fan. she was far more dedicated to us and the people around each of us. She was very supportive of our endeavors, be it theatre, sports, school, the military, crazy jobs, anything we wanted she would get behind and support because it was something we wanted to do, or try regardless if she thought that we were crazy or on the right track.
Speaking of crazy, she always was finding a new crazy little toy or gadget to share with the kids (big and small!) the running joke became, "What the heck is that? Where did you get it? Let me guess, Grandma B!"
It is very fitting that her talent was knitting and crocheting. She made a bizzilion scarves, hats, sweaters and blankets, all designed to wrap you up and keep you warm - her version of a virtual hug. She and my dad could probably have lived comfortably off the profits of the sale of these items, but she often gave them away finding delight in how much people loved and appreciated the gift.
Great Grandma, Grandma, Mom, the Better Half, "Why bother reading the Jersey, call Grandma, LOL"; "How many people could she possibly stop to talk to, she should run for Mayor!"; "Want to get the most from your taxes? Go see Grandma, she won't miss a dime"; "Don't worry, call Grandma and Grandpa, they'll take you out there and wait for you to take you home"; "Where's Grandpa, outside in the car waiting for you?"/ "Where's Grandma, inside shopping again?" "I hope Grandma didn't hear that, she'll wash my mouth out with soap!"; "Stop worrying, next time just ask us and we'll help you, that's what we are here for"
You were here for that and so much more...
Mom, we'll be (mostly) okay, we're taking care of Daddy; you can rest for now (at least until one of us needs a guardian angel, which with this crew is sure to come soon!)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Villiage Individual
The older I get, the more I realize how intertwined our lives really are. In this age of "You decide, own your choices" I am beginning to believe that you really don't own your choices.
In today's world, any choice you make affects those around you. If you choose to quit your job to find yourself and the job that is right for you, your family also pays that price. If you choose to take a stand and spread the word that 'It Gets Better" you are affecting a society (how about: 'It IS Better, I'm here, please reach out'). If you choose to dye your hair pink, you are not merely affecting the family photo, you are affecting your opportunities for jobs which in turn, affects your family. Choices, both positive and negative are not neat little packages.
This is not meant to discourage making choices that are right for you. It is an attempt to point out, that if your choice is to have pink hair, then go for it. Just realize it means that in making this choice, you are making a choice as to what your obligations should be, what your lifestyle will be.
Nothing is simple any more. The 'me' generation needs to rethink that perhaps it should be the 'we' generation. Sacrifice and compromise are not dirty words. They are not cages. Responsibility for our tiny corner of the world and not just for ourselves, should be a badge of honor.
On my path to village elder, I am no longer apologetic for the choices I made, or the responsibilities I took on, as it has brought me a beautiful family. These choices have brought me to a place of enthusiasm for life and self worth that I have been able to share. When babygirl looks at herself in the mirror and says 'hello gorgeous' my heart is filled with hope. When I am stressing over how to pay the bills, keep the electricity on, and I hear these words repeated back to me, "Don't worry, we'll figure it out, we'll make it work, we always do" I cannot help but feel the positive energy I work so hard to create and think, yeah, we are going to be okay.
The lessons that I am only now beginning to learn as an elder, I wish began in my youth. I hope that by example I am lighting the way for the youth in my life, and that they will tell two people, and so on......
My wish is that the foundation I am building in my little corner is a positive and generous one. Let love and understanding be a guide, let your spirit soar. Remember that individual does not mean alone, should not allow for selfish just as a 'mob mentality' should not define you.
In today's world, any choice you make affects those around you. If you choose to quit your job to find yourself and the job that is right for you, your family also pays that price. If you choose to take a stand and spread the word that 'It Gets Better" you are affecting a society (how about: 'It IS Better, I'm here, please reach out'). If you choose to dye your hair pink, you are not merely affecting the family photo, you are affecting your opportunities for jobs which in turn, affects your family. Choices, both positive and negative are not neat little packages.
This is not meant to discourage making choices that are right for you. It is an attempt to point out, that if your choice is to have pink hair, then go for it. Just realize it means that in making this choice, you are making a choice as to what your obligations should be, what your lifestyle will be.
Nothing is simple any more. The 'me' generation needs to rethink that perhaps it should be the 'we' generation. Sacrifice and compromise are not dirty words. They are not cages. Responsibility for our tiny corner of the world and not just for ourselves, should be a badge of honor.
On my path to village elder, I am no longer apologetic for the choices I made, or the responsibilities I took on, as it has brought me a beautiful family. These choices have brought me to a place of enthusiasm for life and self worth that I have been able to share. When babygirl looks at herself in the mirror and says 'hello gorgeous' my heart is filled with hope. When I am stressing over how to pay the bills, keep the electricity on, and I hear these words repeated back to me, "Don't worry, we'll figure it out, we'll make it work, we always do" I cannot help but feel the positive energy I work so hard to create and think, yeah, we are going to be okay.
The lessons that I am only now beginning to learn as an elder, I wish began in my youth. I hope that by example I am lighting the way for the youth in my life, and that they will tell two people, and so on......
My wish is that the foundation I am building in my little corner is a positive and generous one. Let love and understanding be a guide, let your spirit soar. Remember that individual does not mean alone, should not allow for selfish just as a 'mob mentality' should not define you.
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