Sunday, December 11, 2011
365 Days - A Reflection
To a child, one year is forever. As we get older and start marking time, one year could feel like a day - or an eternity. Today a year feels unreal. It is one year ago that my Mom began her journey to the other side. It has been a year of many changes, revelations, sadness and yes, even joy. If my Mother taught us anything, it is that life goes on and the moments you have with each other are to be celebrated. Yesterday my niece had her 6th birthday party. When we talked about the appropriateness of the party on that date given the significance of the weekend it was an easy answer - Mom wouldn't have had it any other way.
As this year passed, I was reminded how much I needed and relied upon my Mom, in moments that would have passed naturally with just a call to her. A few words on the occasional call and I would move on feeling stronger, wiser - with no real thought of the spark that got me there. I was okay again and that’s what mattered.
As this year passed I was also reminded how much my Mom relied upon and needed me, as the phone remained silent. It is a strange phenomenon to be ‘relieved’ of these kinds of responsibilities. For parents, it is bittersweet as their child becomes an adult. For the child that supports an aging parent it is guilt in feeling free, sadness in feeling loss. That child becomes herself a child again, if only for a short time, as the strength, power and support you receive from your parents is suddenly gone – never to return again. It is difficult as you are faced with the need to define your heart and soul and use that to carry on. No more fueling up at Mom’s, it all has to come from you and what she gave you. Were you listening? Were you there in the moments?
Many religions have their dogma regarding the afterlife, and I am not sure to which I subscribe, but today – today it is the one where she is looking down and smiling at her family (blood, or no) as we take some time to remember in the way she would have loved best, together.
Mom, I love you, I miss you. I hope I’ve made you proud. I hope that the love you felt as God welcomed you into his kingdom was a love you felt from us. As our heart aches for you, it is healed by you in the memories of your love and compassion. Peace be with you, as you rest eternal in love and light.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Does anyone still wear a hat?
I wear so many. I'm a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother, friend, secretary, babysitter, nurse, psychologist, banker, leader, designer, blue collar, white collar, hard rock disco, Justin Bieber.....so many things to so many people it's as though I am redefining myself as I walk from room to room. It's exhausting, and I feel fractured. Everyone has a piece of me but cherished few have all of me, if there is such a thing as all of me that is.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
6 months
Yesterday was the six month anniversary of my mother's death. The only reason I realized that is because my sisters both posted something on facebook.
I don't really get it, marking the 'mini' anniversaries of someone's passing; no day makes me hurt more (it can't) and no day makes me remember more as I think about her every day.
I'm not knocking it, I'm just not understanding it. Perhaps I'm just making excuses because I didn't realize it, but I have never put the importance on the 'when'.
On December 11 of any year, I will take some time to pay homage and her birthday will hold my heart. Every other day will be a reflection of her life as lived through her family because she was loved.
I don't really get it, marking the 'mini' anniversaries of someone's passing; no day makes me hurt more (it can't) and no day makes me remember more as I think about her every day.
I'm not knocking it, I'm just not understanding it. Perhaps I'm just making excuses because I didn't realize it, but I have never put the importance on the 'when'.
On December 11 of any year, I will take some time to pay homage and her birthday will hold my heart. Every other day will be a reflection of her life as lived through her family because she was loved.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Bucket List
As I approach 50, I've decided that it would be fun to start a bucket list, before I'm too old to carry any of it through! Here's my start:
- Drive Route 66
- Drive PCH
- Drive across country
- Become an Herbalist
- Start a coven
- Visit Italy
- Visit Stonehenge during a Solstice
- Get healthy
- Learn Yoga
- Learn to read Runes
- Understand Aromatherapy
- Put me first when appropriate
- Own a home
- Start a garden
- Start a Hudson County Pagan society
- Open a holistic center/store
- Get initiated
- Become financially solvent
- Learn Calligraphy
- Learn how to design and maintain a website
- De-Clutter
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Alone in a crowd
Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? and if you do, is it safe for me to hear it?
Is it really so terrible to live in well intentioned deception if the consequence seems cautiously blissful? Is it so wrong to fool myself? AM I fooling myself? How do I figure out what is real and what isn't?
Do I feel unappreciated because I'm selfish, or am I really unappreciated? Is it right for me to be happy about future plans or have I set myself up for more hurt and failure?
How am I supposed to know what the right thing is if I've got nothing or no one to back me up? DO I have that and my insecurities aren't letting me accept that? Am I preparing myself for the inevitable or pushing a great thing away because that's just how my life seems to roll?
Has anyone thought that maybe all I need is a hug, some cooperation, and the understanding that even if I can do it on my own, that I no longer want to?
Is it really so terrible to live in well intentioned deception if the consequence seems cautiously blissful? Is it so wrong to fool myself? AM I fooling myself? How do I figure out what is real and what isn't?
Do I feel unappreciated because I'm selfish, or am I really unappreciated? Is it right for me to be happy about future plans or have I set myself up for more hurt and failure?
How am I supposed to know what the right thing is if I've got nothing or no one to back me up? DO I have that and my insecurities aren't letting me accept that? Am I preparing myself for the inevitable or pushing a great thing away because that's just how my life seems to roll?
Has anyone thought that maybe all I need is a hug, some cooperation, and the understanding that even if I can do it on my own, that I no longer want to?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Gotta Have Heart
Yesterday I started to feel badly again, another 'episode' as I have begun to call them. I tried valiantly to move on with my life, fulfill my obligations, but alas, that was not meant to be. After arriving at my second job, the 'episode' started getting worse. By the insistence of my friends at the second job, I drove myself to the local Emergency Room. I then stayed for tests that led to the recommendation that I stay for a 24 hour cardiac observation.
So there I sat (layed, actually) all by myself waiting to see what, if anything, is going to make me feel better.
My niece offered to come out to be with me, but at that point I was waiting for a room upstairs, so with nothing more for her to do but sit and stare at me (at least at that point) I told her not to worry and that I would call her in the morning. Unfortunately, this is the part where my phone battery dies. No lie, the drama just keeps coming.
Bottom line, all symptoms point to heart trouble, no test can prove it. So, with no test able to prove heart trouble, we move on to number two on the list that fit the symptoms: Panic/Anxiety attacks.
Solution: Get healthy, make lifestyle changes, eat more fruits and vegetables, diminish stress.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
So there I sat (layed, actually) all by myself waiting to see what, if anything, is going to make me feel better.
My niece offered to come out to be with me, but at that point I was waiting for a room upstairs, so with nothing more for her to do but sit and stare at me (at least at that point) I told her not to worry and that I would call her in the morning. Unfortunately, this is the part where my phone battery dies. No lie, the drama just keeps coming.
Bottom line, all symptoms point to heart trouble, no test can prove it. So, with no test able to prove heart trouble, we move on to number two on the list that fit the symptoms: Panic/Anxiety attacks.
Solution: Get healthy, make lifestyle changes, eat more fruits and vegetables, diminish stress.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2011 - Off to a rocky start
As the first week of 2011 comes to a close, I find myself in not such a good way. I spent all but 2 days home sick with no root cause to my troubles. I have my suspicions: 1) stress, 2) grief, 3) bronchitis, 4) ulcer, 5) heart, 6) anemia, 7) hiatal hernia, 8) weight, 9) approaching menopause, 10) sedentary lifestyle, 11) bad diet, 12) financial stress....
I need to make some serious changes, and I need to make them now. The problem: changes cost money, I have less than the amount of money I need to meet basic monthly budget needs. By not making these changes that I can't afford financially, my budget is getting worse because of medical charges that need to be met. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be broken and I need to figure out how very quickly.
It's always been in my nature to take care of everything and everyone. Not a bad quality to have if only I remembered to include myself in that. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that there is a good place to start. But how, with so much crap having been piled on, where do I start to climb my way out?
Realign my priorities
It doesn't cost anything, and it will give me a starting point. To do this, I can't make rash 'public opinion' decisions. Popular rhetoric is that I should be number one on the priority list. I have two kids that I am supporting and trying to raise to become responsible, generous, happy adults. To do that, I need to make some sacrifices. What sacrifices am I willing to make? This internal discussion needs to go hand in hand with my priorities, and I have to reconcile with what is acceptable to ME, and not public opinion, as to how to create this codependent hierarchy.
Next week: The List
I need to make some serious changes, and I need to make them now. The problem: changes cost money, I have less than the amount of money I need to meet basic monthly budget needs. By not making these changes that I can't afford financially, my budget is getting worse because of medical charges that need to be met. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be broken and I need to figure out how very quickly.
It's always been in my nature to take care of everything and everyone. Not a bad quality to have if only I remembered to include myself in that. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that there is a good place to start. But how, with so much crap having been piled on, where do I start to climb my way out?
Realign my priorities
It doesn't cost anything, and it will give me a starting point. To do this, I can't make rash 'public opinion' decisions. Popular rhetoric is that I should be number one on the priority list. I have two kids that I am supporting and trying to raise to become responsible, generous, happy adults. To do that, I need to make some sacrifices. What sacrifices am I willing to make? This internal discussion needs to go hand in hand with my priorities, and I have to reconcile with what is acceptable to ME, and not public opinion, as to how to create this codependent hierarchy.
Next week: The List
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)